Since the dawn of time the people of planet earth have answered their primal urges to sing, dance and cook.
Nowadays most of these activities are televised competitions.
Britain’s Got Talent, Strictly Come Dancing, Masterchef, X Factor, Dancing On Ice and The Great British Bake Off are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to people singing, dancing and cooking for prizes on TV.
I could go on to list dozens more shows in the same vein, but I’d be wasting both your time and mine. It’s pretty clear we’ve reached saturation point of the all singing, all dancing, heat-of-the-kitchen-formatted programmes.
The time has come to diversify by turning some even more routine activities into elite competitions. Here are four to start with…
1. Strictly Come Ironing
Contestants progress by ironing items of differing degrees of difficulty, starting with a tea towel and moving up to a wigwam cover. They’ll be marked on timing and technique and lose points for creases and third degree burns.
2. Shopping With The Stars
Contestants have to go on a shopping trip accompanied by a celebrity. Not only do they have to pick up all the run-of-the-mill goods to stock their household shelves, but they’ve also to cater for their celebrity partner’s weird and wonderful tastes. The season finale will see the top two shoppers paired with Mariah Carey and J-Lo.
3. So You Think You Can Sleep
Round one will see contestants tucked up in a bed in front of a judging panel and told they have five minutes to enter the Land of Nod. I’m not sure who will make up the judging panel but Wayne Sleep is a dead cert. In round two competitors must sleep through a Metallica concert. In round three they’ll be strapped into a rollercoaster and told to catch 40 winks. The grand finale will see a devious twist to proceedings when contestants are tucked into king size, memory foam beds, serenading by a choir of angels and told to stay awake for as long as possible.
4. You Bet!
That’s right, it’s about time You Bet! was back on our screens. In order to update it you could have Ray Winstone encouraging us to bet in-play on whether a motorbike enthusiast from Cullybackey can correctly identify the revving engines of 53 different Kawasakis.