The name’s Bond. Jimmy Bond, so it is.
With the new Bond movie Spectre hitting cinemas this month, Jake Williamson ponders what James Bond would be like if he was from Northern Ireland?
Picture it, a casino in Monte Carlo, Bond walks towards the bar where there is a beautiful, exotic woman sitting alone. Bond sits down, he looks across at the woman, his eyes meet with her eyes, he walks over and seductively whispers “What about ye?”. What Bond girl could resist the sexiest accent in the world.
Yes the Aston Martin DB5 looked glorious in films such as Skyfall and Goldfinger but its missing a Northern Irish touch. Ask any young Northern Irish person from the countryside and they will tell you she needs lowered, the badge removed, a spoiler and a ‘d-turbo’ sticker for the back windie.
Nearly every Bond movie has a plush resort or hotel, a Northern Irish James Bond would be buzzing with all the free shampoo, shower gels, soaps, and tea bags he could smuggle. Plus he’d get to do the whole ‘The Name’s Bond’ thing when checking in.
A Northern Irish Bond would never tell the villain his secrets, no matter how bad they beat him. All those years of playing ‘Hunts’ in school would make him unbreakable. For the initiated, Hunts is a game where traditionally you would select a person to be ‘it’ then they would go after the other kids having to punch them until they caved in and gave you their secret letter. It’s banned almost everywhere in Northern Ireland apart from Craigavon.
A Martini, shaken not stirred, for a Northern Irish person? I don’t think so. That’s our version of a glass of water when you’ve just downed that bottle of Buckie or beer funnelled those cans of Harp straight after your pre-party Chinese.
On a more serious note, if they do opt for a Northern Irish James Bond there can only be one choice of actor…
Not only does his face fit, but James Bond isn’t a million miles away from Jamie (Who Likes) Bondage.