In my many years on MSN messenger, Whatsapp and Facebook Chat I have served what I think are a few aces of conversation in my time. Unfortunately for me the girl I have been chatting to usually interprets my aces as double faults. The internet chat-based tennis matches I play rarely end in love.

But why? This is a pretty sweet deal I’m offering here. I make a decent wage and am about three months dieting away from six pack abs. My VW Golf is still going strong after 120,000 miles and I am such an expert at everything I watch on TV and at the cinema that I can provide an awesome running commentary during the film.

Here are 17 possible reasons why women don’t reply to me as well as some genuine excuses I have heard over the years…

1. She hasn’t seen it yet

2. She is tired

3. She is sick

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4. She has an extremely busy schedule

I know your busy schedule. Hollyoaks at 6.30pm, The One Show at 7pm, Eastenders at 7.30pm, Don’t Tell The Bride at 8pm and then re-runs of Made in Chelsea. Because you gotta work out how you are going to get Spencer to notice you at Luton Airport when you go there in 2 weeks time.

5. She thinks it’s a joke

So I spend ages trying to make you laugh with no success but this message you think is a joke? Why did I try so hard?

6. She is washing her hair that day

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7. She is taking her dog for a walk

8. She is taking her dog for a walk and then she is going to wash his hair and then she is going to wash her hair again

9. She wants the response to be just right

She wants to burn you. Not too harshly though but with a firm message. This will take time and several re drafts to get the wording just right. She is putting more effort into this than JK Rowling took to write the Harry Potter books. Be patient.

10. She’s had a freak accident

She was in the middle of replying but then a Samurai Ninja burst into her room and has chopped off both her hands. She is now desperately trying to respond to your message by banging her nose frantically off the keyboard. Yeah.. that’s what it is. You should call her and message her again just to check this hasn’t happened.

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11. You are way down the list, lad

Join the queue of guys who are in the same position as you. You think she has time to write heartfelt ‘Dear John’ letters to every guy who asks her to the Daniel O’Donnell Museum?

12. The end is nigh

She is thinking ‘There is so much chaos in the world these days… It’s bound to end soon. What’s the point of meeting up with anyone?’ This the opposite of Carpe Diem (which I googled and it is ‘Amitte diem’)

13. Statistically you are probably a psycho

The biggest threat to a woman these days is not ISIS, it’s not Sharks, it’s not flooding, tornadoes or getting hit by an asteroid. It’s you. You are the biggest threat to her safety. Maybe she is weighing up her options. Yes, she would quite like to go see ‘Trainwreck’ and then get a cup of tea after but she would also like to come back alive at the end of the night and not end up in your freezer. Statistically that is not guaranteed. This could be why she is hesitant.

14. It’s winter and there will be a lot of ice on the road

Wouldn’t want an accident to be caused by all that extra driving you would be doing. This was a genuine excuse that got served to me a few years ago. And it was only minus 2!! When it gets to this stage it’s pretty obvious how she feels. Why not just be honest and go ‘nah mate’?  Here the correct thing to do is cut your ties and get out of there.

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15. Your message looked too needy

Like you were begging or something. Fair point.

16. You were too forward and direct

And you weren’t James Bond.

17. No reply is a reply in itself

It’s getting to six months now and you have checked your phone every day in the hope that she is scrolling down her messages and found yours. She forgot and regrets missing out on an awesome evening with you. Now her thoughts move to you, crying under your desk and holding on with hope beyond hope that she will reply and make your world complete all over again.

Thankfully this doesn’t happen any more… Mark Zuckerberg has made it so that we can now see when the message you have sent has been seen by the person you have sent it to.

If I ever meet Mark Zuckerberg I will first of all ask him for a few quid and then I will congratulate him on creating this ‘message seen’ function. It has saved a lot of bother. Of all the ways I’ve got burned over the years this has been the most popular and my favourite. It’s final, it’s complete and you know exactly how they feel…. ‘nah mate, now stop scaring me’.

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