My name’s Graeme and I like beer.

Good, honest beer. Beer served in a glass made from glass or supped from a cold, aluminium tin. Beer with fizz, substance and style.

There are some people out there who don’t like beer, worse still some of them work in the drinks industry. These people poison beer with foreign substances, they dilute and strip it of its very essence, they dress it up in silly outfits and make it dance to Starships by Nicki Minaj.

Here is a list of things that I do not want to find in my beer…

1. Slices of fruit

If I’d wanted sangria I’d have asked for it!

2. Ice cubes

No beer should make a jangly noise as you drink it.

3. Lemonade

Unless you’re driving or a curious 13 year old boy there is no excuse for drinking shandy.

4. Flavour that isn’t beer

Beer should not contain a dash of lime, a hint of orange or undertones of lemon. Beer was not designed to provide any of your 5 a day!

5. A straw

You should be legally entitled to give anyone who puts a straw in your beer a dead arm and/or leg.

You may think I’m being a bit over-the-top, but you only need to look what has happened to cider to see what occurs when you let drinks companies meddle with our favourite alcoholic drinks.

Cider used to be made from apples. Now you’re as likely to encounter a pear, a raspberry or an elderflower.

I hope you can join me in keeping beer sacred.

If you don’t it’s only a matter of time before they put avocado in our Carlsberg!

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