It’s Father’s Day and therefore inevitable that someone somewhere will forget.
Or, of course, like so many others out there that taxi home from the really expensive nightclub has left you broke and in need of some serious quick thinking.
Here’s 9 good ways of relieving yourself of the guilt that comes with arriving home without a gift, or worse still avoiding home because you don’t have one:
1. “I’m Saving The Planet” It’s totally plausible. At the end of the day you could say that having become increasingly aware of how important the future of the human race is you decided to do something about it. As a result all your spare cash has been pumped into volunteering.
However, don’t go into this unprepared. Remember your dad has probably tried these tricks and may even get some pleasure from interrogating you on your new-found environmentalism beliefs.
TOP TIP: Wear something woolly, don’t shave for a few days, walk in some muck before you arrive and pick a “favourite” subject. Read the wikipedia page for your chosen subject and remember a few key facts. If he asks you about anything else hit back with a ton of questions.
2. “I Left It On The Bus”
We all leave things on the bus but you have to play the clever game here and pretend you are planning on buying a replacement. What dad would let you pay for a gift twice? It’s the thought that counts…right?
Be careful not to over-indulge this little white lie and make sure you confirm that you have already contacted the lost and found office. If you have to, email them a query and describe something you don’t think they will find. For example, a blue bag with a red bow and green writing on it.
TOP TIP: Where possible don’t reveal what your gift was. Keep it simple and achievable incase he calls your bluff. Worst case scenario is you’ve bought yourself some time.
3. “I’m Investing In My Future”
Explain that you have finally decided to start thinking seriously about your future. Pick something you need, want or have already bought that helps this goal. Things that cannot be seen such as training sessions and car insurance payments are great examples.
Be ready to answer questions like “what are you actively doing?” or “what are you going to do next?” otherwise you could get caught out and end up having to pursue a career in dog-walking because it popped into your head during an interrogation session.
TOP TIP: Get mum, sister or other family member on your side here. Having a second voice being positive about your new-found responsibility can help deflect any suspicions dad might have.
4. “The Dog Ate It”
It’s an oldie but goodie. It’s so old and tired that no one would ever consider that you would lie about a dog eating a gift.
At the end of the day you don’t want to be handing over a mangled gift and you could say it was anything from trainers and slippers to a DVD or book.
TOP TIP: If you don’t have a dog this excuse may not work. Of course you could always explore the possibility of having stayed at a friend’s house…but don’t forget, the more people in on your lie the more vulnerable you are to being caught out.
5. “Can I Borrow A Tenner”
Sometimes it’s just best to be blatant. Ask your dad to lend you some money. If the plan works (see above) you could end up having to do absolutely nothing other than send a few text messages.
TOP TIP: If you’re from a big family make sure you co-ordinate any money borrowing otherwise you could end up the last person to ask….
6. “Now You Can Keep Tabs On Me”
Set up your dad a social networking account on the one platform you don’t think they will grasp easily or quickly. Add yourself and a few other key family members and give your dad a card with his login details.
Tell him that for Father’s Day you’re giving him the ability to keep tabs on you. Reverse psychology my friend – will he actually want to do it if you have given it to him.
TOP TIP: Go for lesser known social networks like Tinder, Snap Chat and Instagram.
7. “It Got Lost In The Post”
Everyone knows Royal Mail have a terrible reputation for losing things. But it’s how you tell the story. You can’t just pretend you popped the gift in the post yourself – your dad isn’t that stupid.
Go for the “I bought it on Amazon or Ebay” approach. That way you can pretend you’re locked in a PayPal dispute with the seller.
TOP TIP: Do not, under any circumstances, use Ebay if your dad knows how to use it. Remember there’s GoofBay and people can check to see what your activity was.
8. “I Brought You Love”
Explain that you spent ages wondering what would be the perfect gift for Father’s Day and then you realised that the love of a child could never be rivalled.
At that point, no matter how uncomfortable your dad may be with hugs, kisses and general acts of affection, give him the biggest hug you can with a “love you dad” comment to finish.
TOP TIP: Don’t leave mum out. If she’s there, she’s going to need a hug and some love too. Remember, making your mum happy will also make your dad happy. Double whammy.
9. “I Had Planned To Give You A Grandchild”
This one can work no matter whether you are in a short term or long term relationship, or even none at all. Tell your dad that your life plan had this year as being the year in which you produced a grandchild. Explain that while you’re doing your best and practising a lot that you just haven’t found the solution yet but that you can guarantee you will keep trying your best.
TOP TIP: If you don’t ever plan on having children, this may not be a good one to go with.