You’re about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike is a phrase you’ll hear uttered at least twice a week.
While ashtrays on motorbikes don’t actually exist there are some equally pointless things that you’ll encounter in Belfast on a day-to-day basis.
Here are four of them…
1. Paid-for prawn crackers
If you look at any Chinese takeaway menu you will see prawn crackers listed in additional items, usually somewhere around about noodles and curry sauce. Oddly enough there’s a price beside them. Surely no one pays for prawn crackers from a Chinese?
I’m not saying they’re not a delicious accompaniment to any Asian meal, it’s just that when you’re so used to getting something for free with almost every order you’d need to be insane to enter into an agreement where you’re going to pay for them.
It’s as crazy as asking people to pay for the internet. Or water.
2. Collections points A & B in Argos
After paying for your items in Argos you’re told to go to either collection point A or B to pick them up. The distance between the collection points is approximately two metres in most stores. Often for a bit of a joke I’ll queue at collection point A knowing full well my goods will be arriving at collection point B. It’s called living on the edge.
It’s not like in the airport when you have to make a mad sprint after turning up at terminal A instead of terminal B. And in most cases in Argos they don’t even bother coming to the collection points, they just stand equidistant between them and shout, “Who ordered the incontinence pants?”
3. Decorative bin stickers
Why oh why do some people insist on putting stickers on the dirtiest, most foul-smelling item in their property? Bins are for practical use only. No one admires a bin, no matter how many stickers are on it.
Bin stickers of little furry animals are especially pointless given that it is little furry animals who generally rummage through your bins and leave the contents strewn over your garden.
4. Preheating, preordering & prewarning
Preheat your oven to 200 degrees.
Preorder your copy of the new Black Keys album.
How about I just heat the oven and order my copy of the album. It’s pretty much the same thing, isn’t it?
Even better is when people prewarn you about stuff when a simple warning would suffice. It’s only a matter of time before someone on Cool FM starts prewarning motorists about delays at Stockman’s Lane.
Technically the only person who actually had the ability to prewarn anybody of anything was Michael J Fox in Back To The Future.