“Annoying wee flies” are being blamed for a series of injuries to Northern Ireland’s insect-hating population.
A Portavogie man was left with a dislocated shoulder after swinging at and missing a house fly while a husband and wife from the Loughgall area were concussed after colliding when trying to end a bluebottle.
“There’s a fair amount of annoying wee flies about the place,” said NI fly expert Midge Lyness, following reports that people suffering from fly-related injuries accounted for 170% of all A+E admissions in the past week.
He added: “I think the increase in the number of flies is probably something to do with this Indian summer we’re having. So much for trying to embrace other cultures.”
When asked to quantify just how many annoying wee flies are about at the minute, Midge said there were “bazillions of them”.
Portavogie man Ian Headfirst, whose missed swipe at a housefly led to a dislocated shoulder, had this to say: “They’ve been plaguing the life out of me. I was sitting minding my own business, watching the old guy who lives across the road struggle to bring his bins in, when one landed on my arm.
“I went at him with the open palm of my hand, textbook stuff, but it was as if he was able to slow down time. He should have been squashed to a black pulp on my arm, instead he flies off and lands on our occasional table.”
Ian continued: “I chased him from the table to the kitchen worktop, now with a rolled up copy of that free paper that comes through the door that no one ever reads.
“He was in prime position. You want to have heard the thwack I made against the laminate, but off he went again. Really taunting me.
“I opened the window to give him the option to escape, but he was more interested in winding me up. He pinged me right between the eyes then hovered about three foot in front of my face.
“I drew back and put everything I had into knocking him into the middle of next week. I missed. The shoulder went out and my arm was hanging there like a bit of spaghetti.”
Ian managed to phone an ambulance with the hand attached to his still functioning arm. The medics arrive within minutes, cutting short their attendance at a 17-caravan pile up, and popped his shoulder back into place.
Ian had the last word: “I’ll never swat a fly again,” he said. “It’ll be chemical warfare from now on!”
In yet more fly-related injuries a retired postman from Ballymoney tore a fetlock springing from his seat to swat a crane fly.
And up in Newbuildings a man ended up with two black eyes after throwing his slipper at a blow fly. The shoe missed the fly, smashing his wife’s most cherished piece of Royal Doulton. Hence the black eyes.